Saturday, April 21, 2012

4/21/2012

Dear Eliza,

It has been nearly five months since we lost you. And I still miss you as much today as I did the day we lost you. It has been a whirlwind five months. We are expecting another baby. I am currently 15 weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister. I want you to know my precious angel that it changes nothing about the way we feel about you. We definately didn't plan on getting pregnant so soon after losing you, but God had other plans for us and we are thankful. I think about you every single day. I wish I could say that I have fond memories of you to reflect on, but I didn't have enough time with you to make memories. What I think about is how much I loved you, and how much I wish you were here with me still. We are quickly approaching your due date. Your Daddy and I are planning on sending you balloons. It amazes me how quickly time has passed. I will try to be better about writing to you, I know it has been too long. I love you my precious angel.
Forever and Ever
Mommy

Monday, January 23, 2012

Two Months

Today marks two months since Ellie left us. The pain has definately gotten more bearable, and I have learned alot about myself through this trial. Today I have been reflecting alot on the last two months and one thing that I have definately realized how little support I have offered my husband. From the moment the doctor told me she was gone, I cried. And those tears lasted for days. If I was awake then I was crying. Nothing in my world mattered or made sense to me. All I wanted was my baby back. The morning after the doctor told us our baby was gone, Morgan found me curled up with a baby blanket in the closet of our 2nd bedroom. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't make myself do anything. He held me, he never tried to make it better because he knew he couldn't. The days following this and leading up to my surgery are when I was at my worst. Alot of horrible thoughts consumed my mind. No, I wasn't thinking of hurting myself. Unless you have been through a missed miscarriage I'm not sure you can understand the emotions that go along with that. It's a whole additional pain added to the miscarriage. Now not only did you lose your baby, but you body refuses to let it go. So you are walking around knowing that your child, the child you prayed for, the child you loved, is dead inside your body. Then the mind games begin. Was that a kick I felt? Nevermind, you know that even if she wasn't already gone you wouldn't be feeling her kick at this point. Your pregnancy symptoms are continuing just adding fuel to your brain's fire. Looing back I don't know how I could have survived without Morgan, I don't know that I would have wanted to. On Facebook today a miscarriage group that I am part of posted this poem:

It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief
since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test
and field the calls and visitors
so she can gets some rest

they always ask if she's alright
and what she's going through
but seldom take his hand and ask
"my friend, but how are you?"

he hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break
he dries her tears and comforts her
but "stays strong" for her sake

it must be very difficult
to start each day anew
and try to be so very brave--
he lost his baby too.


My heart literally broke when I read this. I have thought about him through this, and I have asked him on occasion if he is okay, and if he wants to talk. But I have done this with tears in my eyes. How can he take me up on that, when he sees how much pain it causes me? I am going to try to discuss this with my husband later this week. Hopefully I can help him with an outlet for his emotions regarding Eliza. One thing I have learned through this experience is that it is okay to ask for help. And its okay to ask someone else to help support your partner when you just can't. Ask his parents to talk to him, ask a friend. Help your family and friends to understand its both of your losses and that they need to acknowledge his pain as well.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

01-12-2012

Dear Eliza,

It has been quite a week. I am having more good days than bad days, but when I have a bad day its bad. I'm having one of those bad days today. I miss you terribly bad today. I see other pregnant women and I get so angry. I see other moms with their babies and I just want to scream. There is nothing that bothers me more than listening to a mom or expectant mom complain about their child or pregnancy. I would do anything to have you here with me, keeping me up all night. I would give anything to be nauseous, tired, and have you kicking me in the ribs. I am just struggling today. I just want to cuddle down under the covers and stay there forever. I just don't want to deal with life today.
I am trying to make some decisions about my life. I feel really lost today. I just don't know if I'm where I'm supposed to be in my life right now. I know that I am in the right place with school, but my job just doesn't feel right. I was staying at my current job when I was carrying you. It was perfect I was going to be able to have you with me at work everyday. Now that you are gone Ellie, nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like I'm not myself anymore.
I think about you everyday my sweet Ellie. I love you so much my precious girl
Forever and Ever
Mommy

Thursday, January 5, 2012

01-05-2012

Dear Eliza,

A new year has begun. This week has been so very hectic. I have had so many reminders this week of how much I miss having you growing in my belly. Yesterday my period started which was a very emotional thing for me. I think somewhere deep down inside I held on to this idea that this past month and a half has all been a terrible dream. Yesterday I felt very lost. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I know in my brain that you are gone and have been for a while now, but my period just makes it so real. There is no way to ignore the reality now. I can't live in my fantasy world anymore. I just want to be able to hold you in my arms.
Yesterday baby Journey finally came into this world. Ms. Chelsi was so ready. I was worried that I would struggle like I did when Annaleigh was born.  I think it was harder for me to deal with Annaleigh's birth because I should not only still be pregnant with you, but I lost a baby in May that I would have been having any day now. I only knew I was pregnant for two days before I lost that pregnancy. I'm not saying that losing a baby early like that is easier because every loss is a loss of a precious life, but it's a different kind of pain. I had not gotten attached to that baby. I had barely accepted that I was pregnant when all of a sudden I wasn't anymore. When I lost you Ellie I had grown so attached to you. You were my precious big headed baby. On ultrasoud at your gestation the head makes up most of the length. I joked with your daddy during ultrasound that you had his big head.
I hope that you are happy and safe Ellie. Give Grandma tooter a big hug from me. I love you my precious little angel!
Forever and Ever
Mommy

Monday, January 2, 2012

My dream of my family

I grew up in a blended home. My mom had 5 kids, 4 girls and a boy. There was quite a bit of difference in age in myself and my siblings. My dad never had anything to do with me. That was his choice, and it's one that I have learned to live with over the last 25 years. My mom got married when I was 6 or 7, I honestly don't remember exactly. My step dad has been the only father I have ever known. He's not perfect but I love him. My family is by no means perfect. He has three daughters, so in all there are 8 of us. I pretty much grew up alone. By the time I was 8 or 9 I was the only child at home. My mom is amazing. She has taught me so very much. I am the person I am today because of her. She is a strong, independent woman. She is also not perfect, but she does everything she can. I only had one grandparent growing up. My mom's mom spoiled me something fierce. I loved her to death. She died when I was 11 almost 12. I always dreamed that my children would have more than that. Morgan has been blessed with a very healthy family. He has his mom, stepdad, maternal grandparents and a great-grandfather on his mom's side. When I found out I was expecting Eliza I was so glad that our baby was going to have so much family surrounding her. My step dad is not in his best health. I love him so much, and I want nothing more than for him to know my child. And when Eliza was coming I was estatic because I knew that he would be able to be a part of her life. Now, Im scared. What if we can't pregnant again for a while, and what if by the time I do, he isn't here anymore. I never got to know my grandfather and I just didn't want that for our children. He wouldn't admit it, but he was happy I was pregnant. He would have loved Eliza. I just can't stand the idea of him not being around to see my children. I just can't lose him.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

12-29-2011

Dear Eliza,

Dear Eliza. I like that. I like being able to call you by name. It makes mommy happy to be able to talk about you and acknowledge that even though we never got to see your sweet little face, that you did exist, and you mattered. Some people probably don't truly understand why I hurt so bad, and I pray to God that they never have to understand. Because if they don't understand it's because they have never lost a baby. I get upset sometimes because some people act like I shouldn't be upset or I shouldn't hurt and grieve because I was "only" 11 weeks pregnant when you died. When you died Ellie, you had all of your organs. You had fingers and toes. Before it stopped your tiny was heart was beating away strong and steady. You were just tiny, but you were every bit a baby. Today I miss you alot. I have been finding ways to help me deal with losing you. This blog is one way I have been doing that. Today I spent alot of time designing it to be beautiful, just for you. I pray that you are happy. I pray that you know how much mommy and daddy loved you. I know that you were sick. And even though I miss you so much, I thank God that he didn't let you feel pain. We want to get pregnant again. Please know my sweet girl that we are not trying to replace you. You will always hold a very special place in our heart that no one will ever fill. We are meant to be parents, and we desperately want to have a child here with us. I know it is in God's hands but I pray he blesses us with another baby. I know that you are with us everyday and I pray that when we get pregnant again you will watch over your little brother or sister. I guess that's it for today. I miss you baby girl and I love you!
Forever and Ever
Mommy

We decided on a name

Morgan and I have talked about it and we decided to name our precious angel Eliza Rainn. Eliza means concecrated to God. I think it is appropriate that our baby girl's name means dedicated to God, since she was born in Heaven. Morgan chose the middle name. It is just one that he really liked. It feels nice to be able to talk about our angel and call her by name. We dont have to call her, it or the baby.